Tuesday, July 20, 2004

A Day at Home

Jackson stayed home with me today and we had a lovely day.  Just before we all napped we were out on the patio, Jackson in his swim trunks splashing in his wading pool, Kate in a pink sundress under the umbrella, Mom in shorts hanging out with the two of them.  Loads of butterflies fluttering around the butterfly bush - I will add a picture later.  I actually saw a green hummingbird as well!  So that's my picture of a perfect day as I'd imagined it before having the baby and getting to take this wonderful time to recharge my batteries, rest, and do a few things that I want to do. 

My aunt called me first thing this morning to tell me that she wouldn't be coming to visit this week, or next, to see the baby.  Sidebar:  Kate is named for my maternal grandmother and this aunt is her sister.  My aunt doesn't drive, never has.  She would have been taking the train.  We'd thought my mom, who hasn't seen the baby, would be coming with her.  Well she's not up for it and my uncle told my aunt that it's too dangerous for her to take the train by herself and so he is not letting her come.  I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut.  We didn't go into a discussion about it.  I could tell she was really upset and she told me she hadn't been sleeping well over the prospect of telling me.  I asked why my uncle couldn't drive her or take the train with her - these are people who drive from Philly to Florida and back once a year - that's right - they go right past where I live but detour to the east in Maryland vs. going around the Washington DC Beltway.  No, they can't not do the detour.  Scratch that, my uncle just won't.  Ok, so while I was out with my beautiful kids on the patio I had the revelation that my uncle is probably just really worried about my aunt traveling alone.  Do I agree that it's dangerous?  Hell, it's dangerous for her to take a shower every day.  Am I tempted to yell at him and tell him that my 73 yr. old motherinlaw just flew here from Calgary and drove to NC with us to spend time with her grandkids and my best friend's mom who is the same age as my mom (64) drives from the Jersey Shore to Long Island, to Philly, to Fort freaking Lauderdale to see her daughters and her grandkids...of course I had the strong urge to do that but I'm not doing that.  I am not going to risk alienating him when my relationship with my aunt is so important to me and this is her husband and he's worried about her traveling alone.  I get that.  I do not get why he won't drive down with her.  I would love for him to see my house and spend some time with us.  I do not get why he won't take the train with her when she's obviously so upset to be letting me down and not getting to visit.  The man has traveled via public transportation to Ireland three times in the past three years!  I'm not even going into the mother part at this time.  I am too angry that she would knowingly not come to meet her new grandaughter, named after her mother, after saying "why wouldn't I come with Aunt Dee" to me.  I was honestly at the point where I didn't care whether mom came or not because I'd had it with her and her phobias and inertia.  I'm in a different place about it today - and here's where that place is...I regret that my children will not have the wonderful experience of growing up with grandparents as a central part of their lives, as I did.  I feel strongly that my mother is missing out but that is her loss not mine.  I had been feeling that I was missing out on having her here and enjoying her company but I am over that now.  Finally, I was so frustrated that my children were missing out on their grandmother but after this moring I've decided to get real and admit that they're not missing much.  Ditto that where my uncle is concerned.  Dammit I've got so many friends whose families do everything in their power to be with them when it counts and be with them just because. I've got friends who would do the same for me and so I am letting go of this family thing.  I'm finally letting go.  I think God has finally sent me that little bit of insight I needed to come to terms with this in my mind and stop fighting for what I cannot have.  I'm grateful for that.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

As someone who has totally cut herself off from her hurtful family, except for my Grammie in PA, you are doing the right thing in not feeling guilty about all of this.  It is THEIR decision to not share in the life of your children, it is not YOURS.  They will have to live with this decision, not you.  Your job is to be the best mommy you can be to your children, and you are fulfilling that job quite well!  Unfortunately your aunt is letting your uncle run her life, and that is just sad.  But, again, there is nothing you can do about it.  I also named my youngest after someone special in my family, and even though I don't see her as often as I would like, at least my child will carry that name and all the wonderful memories I have of her, for the rest of her life.  You should feel the same way about your child.
Hugs and love, Lisa

Anonymous said...

You're absolutely right Lisa, it's about Kate and all of the good qualities I hope she gets from her great granny and namesake - generosity, love of nature & gardening, being a good cook, etc. I'm finding as I share this part of my life with others that my situation is not all that uncommon.  From now on my focus is in doing the right thing for my family and taking things day by day vs. putting things on hold for these events and visits that never happen!

Anonymous said...

Let me just echo what the others posted.  I also have a toxic relationship with my mother.  And I'd rather my boys grow up with great non-family relationships with adults at church than fight to have them spend time with their grandmother who is a flake and drives me crazy.

A therapist once told me that there's family of blood and family of fact.  Find family of fact for your kids... substitute grandparents.

Anonymous said...

You know I'd gotten to the point, before vacation and after my mom after more than several glasses of wine said that if I could afford a $3000 vacation I could afford to come up to Philly and stay in a hotel/motel, where I didn't give a rat's ass whether she came to see Kate or not.  I still felt that way when I got home from vacation.  After seeing Jeff's mom with Kate and knowing my mom wasn't as interested in Jackson when she visited after he was born.  I know it's not fair to compare but my MIL just did what I'd expect a grandmother to do - she didn't want to put the baby down, she got out of the minivan after 8 hours on the road with all of us and played a card game with my stepdaughter.  I would have locked myself in my room if I were in her shoes.  Her thought was that her time with the kids was limited and she wanted to take in as much of them as she could.  'nuff said!