Once I had all that off my chest about feeling blocked and frustrated I went about my business and today I realize in retrospect that the kids had a very full weekend - TKD camp, soccer, baseball, playing outside AND I got quite a bit accomplished despite my bitching. Bed linens all changed, bathrooms all scrubbed, progress with laundry, and a kick-ass manicure on Sunday evening. Moving right along - today after my orthodontist appt I mailed the thank-you's from Kate's party, stopped at the library & found books about building cabinets & closets for Jeff, got gas, cleaned up the kitchen, sorted through both kids' summer clothes to weed out things that don't fit, put Kate's into her drawers and removed the winter stuff.....then my migraine set in. Now I'm having a little rest. Tomorrow it's back to the salt mines!

Vicious Cycle

Ok - before I start into that, my groceries are here and the delivery guy just carded Jeff because there is wine with our order - we're old enough that we don't find it annoying any more!

So the vicious cycle is this - I have a plan to clean up the house and get things done. I go out for a bit and come back and there's more mess than when I left. I talk to the kids about not leaving their stuff lying around; they ignore me or change the subject. I remind my son that he has to practice the speech he's known about for two weeks and has to deliver tomorrow. So far he's "thought about it" and written down a few notes. The speech has to be 1--3 minutes and length is part of the grade, as is content, delivery, etc. He's in first grade by the way. I suggested a topic that will be very natural for him to speak about "How to draw a flag". The speeches have to be a "how to" theme and he's big into flags and loves to draw them, esp. US, So Korea, and a few others. Big attitude there when I said let's hear it. He's going to practice for Dad, not me. Before I left for my errand I told him that practicing his speech means not once, not twice, but over and over until he knows it cold and does it well. Then I tried the old "when you stand up there tomorrow and feel dumb because you have no idea how to begin or what to say....don't blame me dude, it's all on you". Easier said than done right because when it's your own kid you don't want them to fall flat on their little face to teach them a lesson - you just want them to get it. What does this have to do with the vicious cycle? Well after getting frustrated by the fact that there is no cooperation and lots of push-back whenever I open my mouth* I often say "screw it" and go hide out with my computer and my Facebook, Mafia Wars game, Spider Solitaire, emails, reading stupid junk about celebrities, watching Susan Boyle on YouTube, etc. Why should I be the one and only one who cares that what everyone wants to wear next week is clean? In two hours I'm leaving again to go and get my nails done and my brows waxed. Tomorrow will not be busy for me at work although I have a ton of prep reading to do, online classes I could be taking, and the like but I'm tempted to take the day off, beg Debbie to take Kate out for the entire morning until it's time to get Jackson at school and just clean and organize all day. I have a dental appt at 9:30 and a work happy hour/team meeting thing in DC in the evening. Taking the day to clean does not lend itself to going INTO DC for an after work event. What to do, what to do?
I've been really out of sorts about the mess but if I'm not engaged and productive at work I'll have a lot more to worry about than organizing my clutter - I'll be tossing it to fit only the bare necessities into my garbage bag when I move into the homeless shelter, right? Of course I'm forgetting one of my own pieces of solid gold advice, which is "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"! I've learned that the kid stuff goes in phases and while some things get easier maybe other things get more difficult. Right now I'm just in the midst of what I feel is a losing battle with the clutter and mess and stuff (I have not once mentioned the dreaded "L" word (Laundry) in this whole rant because I am OVER it)...ok, I sort of alluded to it but that's progress, right?
So in closing I will remind myself of the things that have gotten easier over the last year and other things that go smoothly and that I'm grateful for:

Jackson can now take his bath by himself - once we run the water he's off to the races;
He doesn't complain or pitch fits about having to go to school;
Other than the day he said "I'm not eating this shit!" he's been a really good eater - so I consider that remark an outlier as he's never said anything like that before or since;
Kate is the more pleasant of the two and happily helps out when asked;
They play together really nicely the majority of the time which takes the burden off of us to amuse them constantly;
They're both really smart and ask a lot of questions because they're inquisitive and what to know ABOUT things - this one doesn't really make my life any easier or less tiring but it pleases me to no end.
They're healthy little horses - even Jackson with his asthma;
They're genuinely fun to be around and the sweetest little snuggle puppies when they're in the mood. They are my biggest blessings ever!
I still don't feel like getting up and washing the bathroom floor though...

I'm Drinking the DeCaf

I've reached the turning point, the point of change, the moment of realization - I really need to start drinking decaf....I finally saw an internist about my blood pressure (and I found one that I love thanks Dr. Rosen, thanks Dr. Kanierya!) and along with watching my salt intake - reducing cheese, chip, cold cuts, etc. consumption, and trying to exercise more, I am giving in and trying once more to get used to decaf coffee. I will say that the decaf mocha I had yesterday from Starbucks was yummy and I would have never known it was decaf if someone else handed it to me and I hadn't ordered it myself.
Along with this caffiene epiphany I have purchased the Morton's less salty salt - don't ask but it tastes the same and contains half the sodium.
Today's lunch made me realize that my health is ruling my dietary life and I'm accepting that this isn't such a bad thing perhaps. Perhaps. So after I have my Activia yogurt for my digestive health with my whole grain toast with light butter, I move to my Promise Activ power shots - one for the cholesterol and one for the blood pressure. Sometimes I use those to wash down the fish oil and flax seed capsules also for heart health.
And yes I'm exercising more - getting busier with work and working in DC means that I am doing a large amount of additional power walking and stair climbing each day and I do mean power walking. When I see that bus sitting there at the far end of the Metro driveway as I come up the escalator inside the station I have to hustle or wait for the next bus. Granted, the Fairfax Cty buses come every 6 mins during rush hour but I trained myself on the Loudoun buses that come but every 20-30 minutes (lameness) and so I hustle. Parking at the Park n Ride means scaling the 44 steps every day to retrieve my car after work. And when I consider that it's good for me I don't complain a bit!
The Wii Fit hasn't been seeing too much action over the past couple of weeks but I have not abandoned that either. I do so look forward to getting on there after a few days break and having the little animation tell me that it missed me and I'm still fat, etc. etc. It's such a joy!

Batman! Da na Na na Na na Na na Batman!

Everything is just about in place for Katherine's 5th birthday bash on Saturday at Tiger Den. The theme is Batman and we have the decorations and the pinata and the goody bags already stuff with cool Batman junk. Oh, and the cake - the sheetcake with the batman logo is ordered and I have the candles plus a sparkler in the shape of a "5". I even put the forks and the matches in the bag (the two things I'm most likely to forget). On Saturday we must remember to take a knife for cake cutting so Master Jae won't have to cut the whole thing up with the ceremonial sword he'll use to make the first cut. So far everyone on the guest list is able to attend. This is going to be huge fun especially when Kate sees her new motorized Batman 3 wheel ATV. I am so excited about this surprise!!!! She's going to be beside herself when she sees it!

When the Going Gets Tough

The tough go shopping....I was pondering recently how long it's been since I've used retail therapy to relieve stress - previously spending hours away from the house on weekends in search of bargains and other fun stuff for all of us to wear and use to decorate the house. I can honestly say I don't miss it and every now and then I do sneak out for a little spree.
Today in fact, although I'm not feeling particularly stressed despite the potential meltdown of my very envied child care arrangement, I went out to pick up a salad for lunch by way of Macy's where I finally found a handbag that "spoke" to me. So I bought it. My original intention was to get a fine gold chain to replace one I'd broken and I did that but won't pick it up until Friday until it goes on sale for half, HA! This girl's still got it! I've taken to wandering through Macy's maybe once a month and I usually linger by the handbags - how often do we truly NEED a new handbag, huh? Until today I hadn't seen anything that really said - "take me home, we need each other Cynde, don't fight the feeling". Up until now everything that caught my eye was very similar to what I already owned (and we're downsizing, scaling back, simplifying here remember that) or it was too pricey for what I was in the mood to spend. So today, yes today, totally unplanned and unexpected I went into Macy's and this soft apple green leather baby hit me right between the eyes. Can't wait to get home and transfer everything over! yes!

Hurry Up and Wait

I've given up being hard on myself because I'm a procrastinator. What I have done is forced myself to start things up a little in advance and be prepared - but for the most part my "Jerry Maguire" approach still serves me rather well and now it's more out of necessity because it's not just me - it's the whole family and especially the little ones, who I have to worry about now - all of their activities and so forth. I will admit that there are times when I regret not leaving more time for myself as I've forgotten to factor in the kids distracting me or needing me while I'm doing someting else. One thing that my "just in time" method does provide, assuming I've read the instructions, or the invite, or whatever in advance, is that it gives me time to thoughtfully consider my approach and so when I'm ready to act and get things done I have my game plan all thought out. Sometimes it's like a mini scavenger hunt to go out and find all of the things I'd envisioned to pull a gift together or whatever it is I'm doing. It's just part of the fun.....

Wise Words for Tough Times

First, I must apologize if you came here to read a quote from the man on the mountain - it's just me. I just wrote an email to someone I know who is having a tough time and it turned into such the pep talk that I felt I needed to scrub it and post it - it falls under the rant category of Cynde rants and raves for sure, for sure....

Here goes:

I know it’s really hard but try not to fall apart – when you start to think about the bigger picture and feel yourself starting to crumble remember that no one is about to foreclose on our homes and if and go to a different school/camp over the summer and/or next year it will not be the end of the universe. Just like it wasn’t the end of the universe when didn’t get into to and now I don’t have to pay tuition for him, oh AND we all love Elementary, oh AND I’ve made several really lovely friends through my contact with ….


You are doing the right stuff – exercise helps vastly with depression and you are keeping your body strong! Reaching out when you are feeling iffy – definitely it’s hard to sink into depression when you are around people…or, at a minimum, in touch with people. I know you’re angry with but his situation right now is all the proof you need that YOU cannot fall to pieces such that you’re unable to hold that household together….you’re a good example for him as well because you are doing all the right stuff to take care of yourself. If you’re feeling this roller coaster every day you should touch base with because maybe you need a strong dose of something right now – it’s scary out there but believe it or not you are in a VASTLY greater spot than most people – believe it – people are getting evicted from rentals because they can’t pay the rent and are living in county provided motel rooms with their kids - cooking dinner in the bathroom and stowing all their gear in garbage bags. I know it feels horrible but you will come through this just fine – you are doing all the right things – when you fall to pieces about losing the house or divorcing you, you sound like a lunatic though – that is NOT going to happen. Things are going to get better – last economic forecast I heard about was 2nd half of 2010. This is a distance race not a sprint – stop panicking every day about the big picture – just do the best you can every day and if you can’t be effective on the phone then

p.s. God will take care of you and yours – I believe with all my heart that your generosity to anyone and everyone in the past will come back to you but you need to calm down with the paranoia…

p.p.s. you are not a bad mother – if kids are acting naughty and ungrateful and God forbid, disrespectful, then they need to be handled accordingly. Knowing that they are loved no matter what but that you command, deserve, require, their respect is what’s important. Buying them things when they’re pissed at us or we feel guilty about something will not do our kids any favors – it will teach them that bad behavior is rewarded – that they deserve something each and every time they feel wronged whether they actually are or they aren’t – and that you are a doormat. Especially right now – it’s the perfect time to teach them about waiting for the things that they want, that there is no such thing as immediate gratification (no need to go into the masturbation exception at this early stage in their lives), and most importantly the value of things – what they receive from us has value, and mostly our work goes into obtaining those things of value, and that is not unlimited – if we lose our jobs or get sick and cannot work there are no more new things coming in the door and even if that doesn’t happen now is a time when others are losing their jobs, entire companies are shutting down and even if we have the money it’s not a time to be frivolous. There’s a tremendous lesson to be learned (by us and our whole society) about experience times tougher than we could ever imagine.

Must go get dressed for my important job downtown working on matters of national security….don’t laugh – when this stupid vetting process is over with I will be keeping our borders safe from infidels who come here to do us harm! You’ll see! ok, maybe not - but the desktop publishing edits and formatting I'm doing right now will make someone very very happy today!