from the heart

Someone who recently lost her soul mate posted on FB "is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" My response was that it is better to have loved and lost. Ideally, we don't suffer a great deal of loss in our lives but on the other hand the suffering makes us who we are.

But this loving thing. To truly love someone for who they are, just as they are and have them return that love is one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world. It's not just romantic love. It's an amazing feeling any time you connect with someone and can just feel that they love you, truly love you.

Today my heart is full of love and gratitude for the people in my life who love me

Anam Chara

ANam Chara: ‘Soul Friend’. In early Irish monasticism, the anam chara was a fellow monk, nun, or priest who formed a personal relationship with another individual, listened to their private confessions, provided them with spiritual advice, and finally performed last rites upon their death. The concept spread quickly through the Celtic world, and later even secular people might have a particular monk, nun, or priest to be an anam chara for them as well.

In nineteenth century Scotland, anam chara was also used to refer to one who recites the death prayers over the dying and the dead. This meaning is obviously an organic extension of the primary meaning given above.Though some have proposed ancient pagan origins for anam chara, citing its resemblance to the Hindu Acharya; it is more likely emerged from a purely Christian context, anam chara being a direct translation of ‘psykhikos philos’. This of course does not preclude its usage in a modern pagan

context, for individuals and traditions which find value in the practice. This seems kind of morbid but when you think about it having someone in your life that cares about every breath you take even to your last is a real blessing. Yesterday my yoga teacher retweeted the following:

JoeMullally: "A true (Anam Chara) soul friend cherishes U completely just as U are & wears your name upon their heart, always"

and I found it to be very beautiful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Staying Connected, Keeping It Real

This week was a busy one but I took time to meet with a couple of colleagues I've started up a networking group with to "Sit 'n Stitch". Attracted to the thought of knitting little caps for newborns in Rwanda and then finishing up the 3 or so projects lying around in varying stages of completion, I signed on. After postponing twice we finally met last week and I started on a hat. Sounds simple but to get there I had to take a break from my work and metro in to DC from Arlington then find the place. It was a short first session but I made a connection with two people that I want to get to know better and it just felt like the right thing to be there.

I ended up starting the hat over again two or three times but I've taken the step and picked up the needles again.

Last night I went to the movies with a friend I don't usually spend much time with. I rarely go to movies. I rarely hang out with her. We had a drink at the pub first and saw New Moon. It felt like the right thing to be there. I really enjoyed the movie. I knew I was in the Jacob camp from just reading the books but seeing the character on the screen sealed that deal.

These are not major life events but making time for simple things is something I don't often do. I tend to think on the macro level including about life-balance. But the simplicity and the balance are found in the minutes and hours of each day and trying to make each one matter. I get it.

Sometimes it's ok to cry a little right?

Tonight it feels good to cry a little.

It's been a long time since I've let a few warm, salty drops seep out of the corners of my eye,

The house is quiet and I'm just thinking and just crying a little.

Why I'm crying? I'm not 100% sure.

But I think it's a little bit of so many different things,

a mosaic of bits and pieces of my life,

things I've done,

things I didn't get to do,

things I've said,

things said to me,

bad things that happen to good people,

missed opportunities,

people I don't get to see enough of,

things I've always wanted to do but don't think I ever will,

remembering places I've been that have touched my heart and my soul,

beautiful things,

the people in my life who are so genuine and so real that I wish I could tell them how much they mean to me but there are no words,

my beautiful children and my hope that I'm doing right by them and loving them enough,

for the times I haven't loved myself enough,

for days like today when I feel like a foolish old woman,

for the scariness of the bad economy,

for my Mom who's spent so much time alone,

for time spent away from my sister that we can never get back,

for the difficulty of the way the best lessons in life are usually learned,

for the wonderful experiences I've had and the memories, all of the memories,

for trying so hard to figure it all out then having days when I feel like I don't know a damn thing,

for beaches and waves and snowflakes and fires in the hearth and puppies,

for humanity and the earth and the moon and the stars,

for my faith,

in gratitude for all the blessings, for the opportunity to give back,

for sad things and frustrating things and bittersweet things and beautiful things, for the humbling that comes when I feel so inadequate but then knowing I am here for a purpose,

for the guts to do things things most people would rather not do,

for the courage to avoid taking the easy way out,

for being tired of always doing it the hard way,

I needed to cry a little today.

An Aha Moment Was All I Needed

As my 6 faithful followers know I have not blogged regularly and have not blogged at all for 7 months. There has been plenty going on; plenty on my mind to write about but it's settling down to write that has been a challenge. You may interpret that as I have been too lazy to just do it. It's ok, I know the deal.

So I thought I would break out of the dry spell by sharing the note I wrote to my DH this afternoon on what has been a brutal day for me. Sniff, Sniff, Whine, Whine, right? No, this isn't a pity party. It's a "things finally bit me in the ass" kind of thing.

Today, 3:00 p.m.

Dear Husband,

Today is, by far, the worst work day I've had in a long time. I'm off the hot seat now so I thought I'd take a moment to just think about all of it and put into perspective by writing to fill you in vs. having a good cry and telling you about it later.

I was up until 3:00 this morning trying to pull the last pieces of this work document together. It wasn't until very late and after many interruptions that I realized how much formatting, cutting and pasting remained to get everything into the appendix, etc.

Last night I'd told colleague that I had it under control. We'd had a 5:00 deadline which the mgr was willing to push out so I told her to go on her merry way with her plans for the evening. The deadline slipped to 10:00, then to first thing this morning. I worked on it and tried to get as far along as possible until my eyes started to cross and I just had to get to bed. Well I woke to my cell phone ringing at 9:45 and it was the colleague. We had to do tons more editing and formatting to really get this thing ready for manager review. Well, it took two of us until about an hour ago to get it polished to the point of being client-ready. So I feel like shite about that. I honestly thought the wrap up would take an hour last night once I got done writing. I didn't even realize how many documents we actually had to put into the appendix - try 60 pages worth.

Insult to injury was that my right hand was numb when I tried to sit down to plunge into this again. Yes, the old tension knot in my back was doing a number on my hand. Makes it fun to to type!

To make matters worse, this lovely pimple on my face that I had to pick at the other day is killing me - at least I don't have to go out of the house with this open wound on my cheek. Pass the Halloween candy please?

So I finally get rolling along but Kate had been complaining about not feeling well and not wanting to go to school. She's been really sensitive and whiny and I thought it was a phase but maybe she is truly down with something. As I was trying to salvage some self-respect and credibility by getting my piece of the document done (did I mention this involves a lot of desk-top publishing type stuff that I am lousy at but learning ever so quickly?) it's time for Kate to leave for school. But she's crying that her head hurts and she doesn't want to go. I tried to calm her down and get her to talk to me so I could see what's really going on. I ended up telling her to go upstairs and lie down on the sofa. Then had to call the lovely lady at the school who yelled at me once because I called the absentee line after 9:30. I still haven't been up to check on her because I've only now just stopped to breathe. I wish we had a bathroom down here in the basement.

There's more. I just saw an email from our practice leader that one of my favorite senior managers is leaving the company and that makes me want to just cry. He's one of the leaders I really look up to and has also become a good ally within the practice. Bye bye to him.

I need to go check on Kate, find something for lunch, and then brace myself for the rest of what this day is going to send my way. My next thing is due by Monday at 9:30 or 10:00 and you can bet I'm starting it now. My year of learning the ropes in consulting continues with another big chomp out of my a$$ from procrastinating, underestimating the time it will take for something I've never actually done before, I could go on and on.

The good news is that the "aha" moment I've needed is finally here.

p.s. the dogs have moved to chewing on the pillows of the sofa down here now that I've spent 3 days moving every single toy out of their reach....they will be going to their crates now.

Your loving wife