An Aha Moment Was All I Needed

As my 6 faithful followers know I have not blogged regularly and have not blogged at all for 7 months. There has been plenty going on; plenty on my mind to write about but it's settling down to write that has been a challenge. You may interpret that as I have been too lazy to just do it. It's ok, I know the deal.

So I thought I would break out of the dry spell by sharing the note I wrote to my DH this afternoon on what has been a brutal day for me. Sniff, Sniff, Whine, Whine, right? No, this isn't a pity party. It's a "things finally bit me in the ass" kind of thing.

Today, 3:00 p.m.

Dear Husband,

Today is, by far, the worst work day I've had in a long time. I'm off the hot seat now so I thought I'd take a moment to just think about all of it and put into perspective by writing to fill you in vs. having a good cry and telling you about it later.

I was up until 3:00 this morning trying to pull the last pieces of this work document together. It wasn't until very late and after many interruptions that I realized how much formatting, cutting and pasting remained to get everything into the appendix, etc.

Last night I'd told colleague that I had it under control. We'd had a 5:00 deadline which the mgr was willing to push out so I told her to go on her merry way with her plans for the evening. The deadline slipped to 10:00, then to first thing this morning. I worked on it and tried to get as far along as possible until my eyes started to cross and I just had to get to bed. Well I woke to my cell phone ringing at 9:45 and it was the colleague. We had to do tons more editing and formatting to really get this thing ready for manager review. Well, it took two of us until about an hour ago to get it polished to the point of being client-ready. So I feel like shite about that. I honestly thought the wrap up would take an hour last night once I got done writing. I didn't even realize how many documents we actually had to put into the appendix - try 60 pages worth.

Insult to injury was that my right hand was numb when I tried to sit down to plunge into this again. Yes, the old tension knot in my back was doing a number on my hand. Makes it fun to to type!

To make matters worse, this lovely pimple on my face that I had to pick at the other day is killing me - at least I don't have to go out of the house with this open wound on my cheek. Pass the Halloween candy please?

So I finally get rolling along but Kate had been complaining about not feeling well and not wanting to go to school. She's been really sensitive and whiny and I thought it was a phase but maybe she is truly down with something. As I was trying to salvage some self-respect and credibility by getting my piece of the document done (did I mention this involves a lot of desk-top publishing type stuff that I am lousy at but learning ever so quickly?) it's time for Kate to leave for school. But she's crying that her head hurts and she doesn't want to go. I tried to calm her down and get her to talk to me so I could see what's really going on. I ended up telling her to go upstairs and lie down on the sofa. Then had to call the lovely lady at the school who yelled at me once because I called the absentee line after 9:30. I still haven't been up to check on her because I've only now just stopped to breathe. I wish we had a bathroom down here in the basement.

There's more. I just saw an email from our practice leader that one of my favorite senior managers is leaving the company and that makes me want to just cry. He's one of the leaders I really look up to and has also become a good ally within the practice. Bye bye to him.

I need to go check on Kate, find something for lunch, and then brace myself for the rest of what this day is going to send my way. My next thing is due by Monday at 9:30 or 10:00 and you can bet I'm starting it now. My year of learning the ropes in consulting continues with another big chomp out of my a$$ from procrastinating, underestimating the time it will take for something I've never actually done before, I could go on and on.

The good news is that the "aha" moment I've needed is finally here.

p.s. the dogs have moved to chewing on the pillows of the sofa down here now that I've spent 3 days moving every single toy out of their reach....they will be going to their crates now.

Your loving wife

Once I had all that off my chest about feeling blocked and frustrated I went about my business and today I realize in retrospect that the kids had a very full weekend - TKD camp, soccer, baseball, playing outside AND I got quite a bit accomplished despite my bitching. Bed linens all changed, bathrooms all scrubbed, progress with laundry, and a kick-ass manicure on Sunday evening. Moving right along - today after my orthodontist appt I mailed the thank-you's from Kate's party, stopped at the library & found books about building cabinets & closets for Jeff, got gas, cleaned up the kitchen, sorted through both kids' summer clothes to weed out things that don't fit, put Kate's into her drawers and removed the winter stuff.....then my migraine set in. Now I'm having a little rest. Tomorrow it's back to the salt mines!

Vicious Cycle

Ok - before I start into that, my groceries are here and the delivery guy just carded Jeff because there is wine with our order - we're old enough that we don't find it annoying any more!

So the vicious cycle is this - I have a plan to clean up the house and get things done. I go out for a bit and come back and there's more mess than when I left. I talk to the kids about not leaving their stuff lying around; they ignore me or change the subject. I remind my son that he has to practice the speech he's known about for two weeks and has to deliver tomorrow. So far he's "thought about it" and written down a few notes. The speech has to be 1--3 minutes and length is part of the grade, as is content, delivery, etc. He's in first grade by the way. I suggested a topic that will be very natural for him to speak about "How to draw a flag". The speeches have to be a "how to" theme and he's big into flags and loves to draw them, esp. US, So Korea, and a few others. Big attitude there when I said let's hear it. He's going to practice for Dad, not me. Before I left for my errand I told him that practicing his speech means not once, not twice, but over and over until he knows it cold and does it well. Then I tried the old "when you stand up there tomorrow and feel dumb because you have no idea how to begin or what to say....don't blame me dude, it's all on you". Easier said than done right because when it's your own kid you don't want them to fall flat on their little face to teach them a lesson - you just want them to get it. What does this have to do with the vicious cycle? Well after getting frustrated by the fact that there is no cooperation and lots of push-back whenever I open my mouth* I often say "screw it" and go hide out with my computer and my Facebook, Mafia Wars game, Spider Solitaire, emails, reading stupid junk about celebrities, watching Susan Boyle on YouTube, etc. Why should I be the one and only one who cares that what everyone wants to wear next week is clean? In two hours I'm leaving again to go and get my nails done and my brows waxed. Tomorrow will not be busy for me at work although I have a ton of prep reading to do, online classes I could be taking, and the like but I'm tempted to take the day off, beg Debbie to take Kate out for the entire morning until it's time to get Jackson at school and just clean and organize all day. I have a dental appt at 9:30 and a work happy hour/team meeting thing in DC in the evening. Taking the day to clean does not lend itself to going INTO DC for an after work event. What to do, what to do?
I've been really out of sorts about the mess but if I'm not engaged and productive at work I'll have a lot more to worry about than organizing my clutter - I'll be tossing it to fit only the bare necessities into my garbage bag when I move into the homeless shelter, right? Of course I'm forgetting one of my own pieces of solid gold advice, which is "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"! I've learned that the kid stuff goes in phases and while some things get easier maybe other things get more difficult. Right now I'm just in the midst of what I feel is a losing battle with the clutter and mess and stuff (I have not once mentioned the dreaded "L" word (Laundry) in this whole rant because I am OVER it)...ok, I sort of alluded to it but that's progress, right?
So in closing I will remind myself of the things that have gotten easier over the last year and other things that go smoothly and that I'm grateful for:

Jackson can now take his bath by himself - once we run the water he's off to the races;
He doesn't complain or pitch fits about having to go to school;
Other than the day he said "I'm not eating this shit!" he's been a really good eater - so I consider that remark an outlier as he's never said anything like that before or since;
Kate is the more pleasant of the two and happily helps out when asked;
They play together really nicely the majority of the time which takes the burden off of us to amuse them constantly;
They're both really smart and ask a lot of questions because they're inquisitive and what to know ABOUT things - this one doesn't really make my life any easier or less tiring but it pleases me to no end.
They're healthy little horses - even Jackson with his asthma;
They're genuinely fun to be around and the sweetest little snuggle puppies when they're in the mood. They are my biggest blessings ever!
I still don't feel like getting up and washing the bathroom floor though...

I'm Drinking the DeCaf

I've reached the turning point, the point of change, the moment of realization - I really need to start drinking decaf....I finally saw an internist about my blood pressure (and I found one that I love thanks Dr. Rosen, thanks Dr. Kanierya!) and along with watching my salt intake - reducing cheese, chip, cold cuts, etc. consumption, and trying to exercise more, I am giving in and trying once more to get used to decaf coffee. I will say that the decaf mocha I had yesterday from Starbucks was yummy and I would have never known it was decaf if someone else handed it to me and I hadn't ordered it myself.
Along with this caffiene epiphany I have purchased the Morton's less salty salt - don't ask but it tastes the same and contains half the sodium.
Today's lunch made me realize that my health is ruling my dietary life and I'm accepting that this isn't such a bad thing perhaps. Perhaps. So after I have my Activia yogurt for my digestive health with my whole grain toast with light butter, I move to my Promise Activ power shots - one for the cholesterol and one for the blood pressure. Sometimes I use those to wash down the fish oil and flax seed capsules also for heart health.
And yes I'm exercising more - getting busier with work and working in DC means that I am doing a large amount of additional power walking and stair climbing each day and I do mean power walking. When I see that bus sitting there at the far end of the Metro driveway as I come up the escalator inside the station I have to hustle or wait for the next bus. Granted, the Fairfax Cty buses come every 6 mins during rush hour but I trained myself on the Loudoun buses that come but every 20-30 minutes (lameness) and so I hustle. Parking at the Park n Ride means scaling the 44 steps every day to retrieve my car after work. And when I consider that it's good for me I don't complain a bit!
The Wii Fit hasn't been seeing too much action over the past couple of weeks but I have not abandoned that either. I do so look forward to getting on there after a few days break and having the little animation tell me that it missed me and I'm still fat, etc. etc. It's such a joy!

Batman! Da na Na na Na na Na na Batman!

Everything is just about in place for Katherine's 5th birthday bash on Saturday at Tiger Den. The theme is Batman and we have the decorations and the pinata and the goody bags already stuff with cool Batman junk. Oh, and the cake - the sheetcake with the batman logo is ordered and I have the candles plus a sparkler in the shape of a "5". I even put the forks and the matches in the bag (the two things I'm most likely to forget). On Saturday we must remember to take a knife for cake cutting so Master Jae won't have to cut the whole thing up with the ceremonial sword he'll use to make the first cut. So far everyone on the guest list is able to attend. This is going to be huge fun especially when Kate sees her new motorized Batman 3 wheel ATV. I am so excited about this surprise!!!! She's going to be beside herself when she sees it!

When the Going Gets Tough

The tough go shopping....I was pondering recently how long it's been since I've used retail therapy to relieve stress - previously spending hours away from the house on weekends in search of bargains and other fun stuff for all of us to wear and use to decorate the house. I can honestly say I don't miss it and every now and then I do sneak out for a little spree.
Today in fact, although I'm not feeling particularly stressed despite the potential meltdown of my very envied child care arrangement, I went out to pick up a salad for lunch by way of Macy's where I finally found a handbag that "spoke" to me. So I bought it. My original intention was to get a fine gold chain to replace one I'd broken and I did that but won't pick it up until Friday until it goes on sale for half, HA! This girl's still got it! I've taken to wandering through Macy's maybe once a month and I usually linger by the handbags - how often do we truly NEED a new handbag, huh? Until today I hadn't seen anything that really said - "take me home, we need each other Cynde, don't fight the feeling". Up until now everything that caught my eye was very similar to what I already owned (and we're downsizing, scaling back, simplifying here remember that) or it was too pricey for what I was in the mood to spend. So today, yes today, totally unplanned and unexpected I went into Macy's and this soft apple green leather baby hit me right between the eyes. Can't wait to get home and transfer everything over! yes!

Hurry Up and Wait

I've given up being hard on myself because I'm a procrastinator. What I have done is forced myself to start things up a little in advance and be prepared - but for the most part my "Jerry Maguire" approach still serves me rather well and now it's more out of necessity because it's not just me - it's the whole family and especially the little ones, who I have to worry about now - all of their activities and so forth. I will admit that there are times when I regret not leaving more time for myself as I've forgotten to factor in the kids distracting me or needing me while I'm doing someting else. One thing that my "just in time" method does provide, assuming I've read the instructions, or the invite, or whatever in advance, is that it gives me time to thoughtfully consider my approach and so when I'm ready to act and get things done I have my game plan all thought out. Sometimes it's like a mini scavenger hunt to go out and find all of the things I'd envisioned to pull a gift together or whatever it is I'm doing. It's just part of the fun.....