Insomnia

As I put down the book I just started and turned out the light things just came together and suddenly thoughts were swirling in my head and I had to get up and distract myself from thinking about....

Talking to my mother and hearing about why she wasn't up to coming down to see the baby - she'd been to Cape May for a couple of days prior; having her pretty much confirm what an ass my uncle is for not letting my aunt come here alone but more importantly for not bringing her here or coming with her on the train.  That conversation is an entry unto itself but I'm not up to it right now.  Oh, and mention of my sister, my only sibling, the one who hates my guts...that sent me into a tailspin ...and that was just the beginning.

I moved on to the death of my friend's husband and remembering him from the old days when we were still in college, going to their wedding, parties at their house, etc.  I can't even put the awful feeling I'm feeling into words right now or think about how awful she must be feeling.  I need to get a Mass card and a sympathy card tomorrow.

Then I dwelled briefly on being at work in 10 days and not being with Piggers all day.  My sweet sweet baby girl.  That thought got me right out of bed to go to her crib and look at her in the glow of the nightlight.  Piggers, Katherine, Miss Kate, my baby!

So after catching up on some world news, reading the recap of today's episodes of AMC and OLTL, researching and finding out that the Japanese beetles are here to stay thanks to those stupid traps (I feel like I'm the last to find out that the best thing is for your NEIGHBOR to have the traps because by putting them out I drew more over here, UGH!) - anyway, after all that excitement I'm going to try going back to bed. 

Before all the negativity crept in today I did have a message from one of my "clients" telling me that things were not the same without me and that she looked forward to my return to work.  Let's just focus on that and my beautiful children lest I get tempted to pull in the welcome mat, draw all the blinds, and crawl under the covers for the duration!

Oh, I almost forgot - my great aunt who is the youngest sister of my granny, after whom Katherine is named, had her second leg amputated today as a result of complications from diabetes.  That will scare me away from the Lucky Charms and Oreos in a big fat hurry!  Poor Aunt Josie has endured 5 major surgeries in the past twelve months involving trying to save the legs and heart trouble added on. 

Pictures from Corolla

 

Piggers Tries Cereal Today

Katherine took the cereal in stride after the initial "what the hell just went into my mouth" look.  She was 3 mos. old on Monday. 

About the other photos:

The pool is lonely today without Jacksoni but I didn't want him out of the school routine for too long lest there be a problem when I'm back to work and he has to be there.  Today is splash day for him and he says he doesn't like it but we'll see.  Last time he eventually got wet.  He took lighthouse refrigerator magnets from the Outer Banks to the teachers today.  What a little brown nose he is, huh?  Oh right, that would be me the brown nose.

Photo #3 would be what my "eggplant" produced...do you think it's time to admit they mislabeled this plant?  Although it looked a whole lot like a pepper to me I was willing to believe it was an eggplant until I got back from vacation and found these....Salsa anyone?

Received some sad news just a few minutes ago.  The husband of one of my close friends from college passed away three weeks ago.  He was 10 years older than us but still a young man of 53.  She told one of our other friends "don't ask me how I'm doing."  Kind of stops you in your tracks.

 

WWJD (What Would Julie Do?)

My bestest friend in the whole world, the one who taught me to take my icecream to bed in a mug instead of a bowl because it's easier to hang onto that way, suggested that I am insane if I take Kate & Jackson up to Philly to see my aunt this Friday and instead should stay home and take the kids to the pool with a tall glass of iced tea in hand.  Well I'm taking Julie's advice and sticking close to home.  This will enable me to a) give this whole situation more time to settle in before I see my mom, b)spend more calm quality time with the kids, and c) go to the scrapbooking crop session with my friend Maureen on Friday night.  Julie also told me where to find her housekey if I did come up and that I should spend the day with her on the beach in Cape May before returning home.....did I mention she's the bestest friend in the whole world? 

Some Vacation Highlights

Some highlights from the vacation -             

We all fit into the minivan quite comfortably.  Two car seats in the 3rd row, MIL and SD in the middle 2 captains chairs, me and hubby up front.  One dog (Big Brown) in the aisle in back; Jack Russell Terror at my feet.  Thank goodness we had the foresight and good sense to get the cargo box for the top though.  It made all the difference in the world.

My MIL being on the trip also made all the difference in the world.  What a terrific help she was looking after the baby while I went to the beach, folding our laundry,  and walking the dogs for starters.  We ate out some, ate in some, she compliments my cooking, she looks forward to happy hour as much as I do, and she just loved being with her grandchildren.  It was so very obvious just watching her with them.

Jackson was afraid of the water - both the pool and the ocean - but we got him jumping into Daddy's arms into the pool by mid-week and jumping waves by the last day.  The last day was picture perfect and made for a really nice take-home memory of our vacation. 

Let's see for some of the funnier moments Jackson learned how to boss Alex around the way she tries to boss him around.  She told him to be quiet because Kate was sleeping and a short time later she was being loud in the car and HE told HER to be quiet because Kate was sleeping.  Before he discovered the ocean would not swallow him alive he had Jeff and Alex running to fill buckets of water for him to play in the sand.  At one point I heard him say "more ocean" as he handed the bucket to Jeff.  Very cute.  Not so cute was that he dumped out the dogs' water bowl every chance he got whether it was inside or out....I read two books - Silent Partner by Stephen Frey and Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult - drank quite a bit of wine and several margaritas, ate seafood every day but one, overcame my aversion to seeing myself in a bathing suit, caught snippets of my soap operas a few times, and bought us all a Corolla sweatshirt.  (ok, I'm pathetic, I watch soaps - why do you think I'm so hell bent on working from home?)  Pictures to follow.

Back to Work

I bit the bullet and talked to my boss about going back to work.  I have resisted thinking about work while I'm on leave.  It makes me feel panicked to even go by where my office is located on the highway.  Yesterday morning I had this thought that I might announce/request (I wasn't sure which) that I work primarily from home (aka telecommute) for the first month I'm back.  So the conversation has been had and it's all good.  I feel so much better about the thought of going back and feel that I'm actually ready for the inevitable.  I mean there was never any question that I'd be going back.  So now I can enjoy the last two weeks without anxiety.  Hey, it's not like I can't take a vacation day whenever I want to, right?  This is MAJOR because I had a heavy heart all the way to North Carolina because I knew the week of vacation would fly by and I'd be home before I knew it and facing the Monday morning question of "what the hell am I going to wear".  I'll be going shopping later this week.

A Day at Home

Jackson stayed home with me today and we had a lovely day.  Just before we all napped we were out on the patio, Jackson in his swim trunks splashing in his wading pool, Kate in a pink sundress under the umbrella, Mom in shorts hanging out with the two of them.  Loads of butterflies fluttering around the butterfly bush - I will add a picture later.  I actually saw a green hummingbird as well!  So that's my picture of a perfect day as I'd imagined it before having the baby and getting to take this wonderful time to recharge my batteries, rest, and do a few things that I want to do. 

My aunt called me first thing this morning to tell me that she wouldn't be coming to visit this week, or next, to see the baby.  Sidebar:  Kate is named for my maternal grandmother and this aunt is her sister.  My aunt doesn't drive, never has.  She would have been taking the train.  We'd thought my mom, who hasn't seen the baby, would be coming with her.  Well she's not up for it and my uncle told my aunt that it's too dangerous for her to take the train by herself and so he is not letting her come.  I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut.  We didn't go into a discussion about it.  I could tell she was really upset and she told me she hadn't been sleeping well over the prospect of telling me.  I asked why my uncle couldn't drive her or take the train with her - these are people who drive from Philly to Florida and back once a year - that's right - they go right past where I live but detour to the east in Maryland vs. going around the Washington DC Beltway.  No, they can't not do the detour.  Scratch that, my uncle just won't.  Ok, so while I was out with my beautiful kids on the patio I had the revelation that my uncle is probably just really worried about my aunt traveling alone.  Do I agree that it's dangerous?  Hell, it's dangerous for her to take a shower every day.  Am I tempted to yell at him and tell him that my 73 yr. old motherinlaw just flew here from Calgary and drove to NC with us to spend time with her grandkids and my best friend's mom who is the same age as my mom (64) drives from the Jersey Shore to Long Island, to Philly, to Fort freaking Lauderdale to see her daughters and her grandkids...of course I had the strong urge to do that but I'm not doing that.  I am not going to risk alienating him when my relationship with my aunt is so important to me and this is her husband and he's worried about her traveling alone.  I get that.  I do not get why he won't drive down with her.  I would love for him to see my house and spend some time with us.  I do not get why he won't take the train with her when she's obviously so upset to be letting me down and not getting to visit.  The man has traveled via public transportation to Ireland three times in the past three years!  I'm not even going into the mother part at this time.  I am too angry that she would knowingly not come to meet her new grandaughter, named after her mother, after saying "why wouldn't I come with Aunt Dee" to me.  I was honestly at the point where I didn't care whether mom came or not because I'd had it with her and her phobias and inertia.  I'm in a different place about it today - and here's where that place is...I regret that my children will not have the wonderful experience of growing up with grandparents as a central part of their lives, as I did.  I feel strongly that my mother is missing out but that is her loss not mine.  I had been feeling that I was missing out on having her here and enjoying her company but I am over that now.  Finally, I was so frustrated that my children were missing out on their grandmother but after this moring I've decided to get real and admit that they're not missing much.  Ditto that where my uncle is concerned.  Dammit I've got so many friends whose families do everything in their power to be with them when it counts and be with them just because. I've got friends who would do the same for me and so I am letting go of this family thing.  I'm finally letting go.  I think God has finally sent me that little bit of insight I needed to come to terms with this in my mind and stop fighting for what I cannot have.  I'm grateful for that.